The Long and Winding Road

18/02/2021

I remember a lot of incidents that I thought were "stupid", couldn't make sense of them, and I was feeling shame. Now I see that I did these "absurd", or seemingly "wrong" or inappropriate things because the context of everything was absurd to me. Or it was the result of me trying to transcend myself in order to be accepted. 

These incidents actually were like a thread I followed, all the way back to my childhood where this thread began (along with any "failure" moment), that eventually led me to myself and to autism, like a long and winding road. I could understand that incidents like this were connecting me deeply to who I am. It was my "shyness" that I had got out of myself in order to transcend and be accepted and survive actually in society that eventually connected me back to myself. The feeling of shame was coming from this violent "transcending", like a betrayal of myself. When I stopped fighting my "shyness" as something bad that needs to be transcended, I saw it. It began with accepting this "shame", I should accept everything and stop fighting myself. I paid attention to all these "negative" sensations, and I let them be, and hear them, they were not negative, they were my sensations. They had a reason to be there, I thought. I stopped fighting these sensations or feelings and saw them as messengers of information. I respected who I was, and stopped trying to become "someone else".